I'm going to start emptying my sleeves. More than a month ago I teased you of an impending doom... The circus is finally here.

Life feels like an endless series of Mondays these past couple of weeks. I've got case studies to keep me busy and coffee to keep me alive. But congratulate me because I've successfully abstained from caffeine for two straight days... wait, make that one. A friend of mine made me a mug of latte a couple of minutes ago. I feel like a common fixture in my university's library, too. Well, you get the picture.

The most disentangling I can afford myself is working on Paradys. Two weeks of rebirth and finally the snow has melted... So, without further ado...

Rammstein's Sonne video initially inspired me to write this entry.


~In Film~

betray me as I have betrayed you
so that we are even
as you have taunted,
I am traitor
and I am saint.

Lover, lover
let me wipe your tears
and let me drown in them
to appease your demon,
I am sacrifice
and I am sacrilege.

Lover, lover
I burned only for you
and I freeze only for you
let the  cold kill us both,
I am poison
and I am cure.

For my Christmas project this year, I shall write. Not poetry nor fiction, but some things that have been stirring in my head recently. This entry is somewhat inclined to the prior post. There were lines from that short film that struck a chord and made me realize a couple of things I already had inklings of.

I spent the better half of today helping organize a Christmas party here at home, for the people who work for us. This isn't the first time we had one of those. It's the first time we did it a whole day, though and the first time I actually got pulled into the event, with the people and with the helter-skelter. Know that, normally, I am very detached and standoffish. It doesn't have anything to do with anyone, that's just me. But today was different. I laughed, participated and actually enjoyed the event. There were occasional splatters of the usual holiday blues and gloom but they were low keyed-attacks, drowned down by the happier parts. And the funny thing was that I didn't even attempt to use the "happier parts" to "drown" anything on purpose. I simply let it be. And that's what mattered because, then, nothing was superficial and at the end of the day, I was actually still happy. It's been a while since I last felt that.

I honestly can't explain it any better and the experience is better off under-analyzed and left off in its simplicity. I'll end it by saying that today was a different Christmas, all the little things made it worthwhile.

"...Give love and friendship
Hope and cheer
Things one needn’t wrap, my dears..."

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For everything I never said.

...I.need.my.fucking.sleep...

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..support.living.and.un-living.artists..

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..Nightmares.and.Dreamscapes.. ©2009 Schazmyrrh.

NOT TO BE USED, MANIPULATED OR REDISTRIBUTED WITHOUT THE ARTIST'S EXPRESSED CONSENT.

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I finally have a copy of the complete second season of True Blood. I wasn't going to blog further about the series but getting it was a surprise. Impulsively, I wandered the streets earlier in the evening to look for a DVD with the complete second season. I was already smirking to myself at how funny, "Do you have True Blood?" would sound.

The first stall I went to didn't seem to know what True Blood was which all the more made me feel like I was looking for something sinister and underground (pardon my imagination but that's what all this rampant ennui does to one's brain). The storekeeper redirected me to the next booth. The second storekeeper asked me what season I was looking for and briefly left. I pretended to be interested in the other merchandise but what I was really thinking was how I'd convince them to reserve the copy for tomorrow because I only had a couple of coins in my purse . When the shopkeeper returned he first told me they only had the first season. I partly thought it was a relief because at least I didn't have to talk him into reserving me a copy; I was feeling a bit anti-social. But then he was only kidding. I asked him how much it was and he answered that it was only 1 peso. I hoped he wasn't kidding because then I could buy six copies at that rate haha. I went on to persuade him to reserve me the DVD and promised to come back for it tomorrow. He said a couple of things like they didn't do reservations and he didn't believe I didn't have any cash with me. I insisted that I really didn't. And long story short he ended up giving me the DVD. As in he told me I could take it home tonight and pay for it tomorrow or later or I could choose not to pay for it at all. I suggested he hide it instead and repeated that I'd really come back for it tomorrow. But he insisted I take it home and even had the item packed already. Well okay, what else could I do? So I agreed and sheepishly took the package . Because everyone now seemed to be in a happy mood, including myself, I told them I wouldn't pay  for the item. Of course it was a joke.

Thanks to the DVD I'm a tad less dark. I only wish all these sprinkles of happiness would permit me to have better dreams at night.

[I'm still thinking and rethinking whether to write last night's dream here or not]

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"O God, I could be bounded in a nutshell, and count myself a
king of infinite space—were it not that I have bad dreams."

~Hamlet Act II, Scene II

I don't know if it's because of my bout with insomnia last night. Or the instability of the weather. Or all the excitement prior to the insomnia episode. Or waking up to gloomier songs by the Cranberries playing around the house. All I know is that I am not quite myself today. Despair's weighing a little heavier against my back. And I'm pretty much inconsolable when in this disposition but it passes... eventually. I've got things and projects underway. Nothing academic, thank God the semester's finally over. The major projects which I cannot yet mention here (hint: keywords: halloween parties, funeral parties, concerts) are yet to be discussed with an "associate" at a better time. Better time as in more commitment and less unnatural influences in the bloodstream. Halloween's coming, I see. And I finally have an event to look forward to. Two mutually exclusive events actually. I hope that I can attend one of them or I shall be very cross and cranky on Halloween night.

I'm learning to breathe again.

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Image credit: Carmine by Natalie Shau